


Why it wasn't Funny

by 1_NoName_among_many



Category: Red White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston
Genre: Athens was full of jerks, Especially all the rape and why it's there, Gen, References to Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, References to Arthurian Legend, She knew just enough to be truly vile, We learn a little more about it, You know those notes about Queen Mary's casual name-calling of her son-in-law?, to put it mildly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:08:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28449717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1_NoName_among_many/pseuds/1_NoName_among_many
Summary: Philip finally learns to call him Pez, like the sweets.
Relationships: Martha Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor & Percy "Pez" Okonjo, Martha Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor/Philip Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor, Percy "Pez" Okonjo & Alex Claremont-Diaz
Kudos: 23





	Why it wasn't Funny

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: casual use of the word "rape", references to the blatant misuse of mythological references to verbally abuse in plain sight.
> 
> Not sure if that last one is too specific, but it's there

Philip was on his way home from a long day's work. Right now, all he wanted was to snuggle up with his wife and watch some Downton Abbey. Maybe with the kids.  
Unfortunately, life had other plans for him.  
"I've told you before, it's NOT FUNNY!" Percy came storming out of the guest media room, the one Mazzy had set up shop in during Philip's sabbatical.  
"Are you alright, Percy?" Philip asked.  
Percy barely noticed the prince as he stormed past.  
Philip popped his head into the guest media room and found Mazzy and Alexander.  
Mazzy was standing up, facing the door, a very puzzled look on her face. Alexander was still sitting in front of the television, but was turned to face the door. He was visibly puzzled as well.  
"What happened?" Philip asked.  
Alexander answered: "Well, Pez told Mazzy his name was Perseus, and then I joked that his dad was secretly Poseidon, and Mazzy said 'Wouldn't that be Zeus?' and then I started explaining the Percy Jackson books, or rather I would have if Pez hadn't stormed off like that. What is his problem?"  
"Your guess is as good as mine," Mazzy said. "It's so unlike him."  
Philip, however, had an idea. "Sounds to me like a Lancelot problem."  
Mazzy instantly understood. Alexander, on the other hand, was even more confused.  
"You stay here and explain it to him," Philip said, "I'll go catch up with Percy."  
It didn't take that long to find Percy. The Nigerian philanthropist's footsteps were loud and deliberate, and the halls of Anmer were long and echo-y.  
"Percy! Percy!" Philip called after him. "Perseus!" The prince sighed, then: "PEZ!"  
That stopped Percy up short.  
"Thought that would slow you up." Philip caught up. "Are you alright?" he asked.  
Percy snorted in anger. "What do you care? I'm Henry's friend, not yours."  
"And as you and so many others have seen fit to remind me on a regular basis, Henry is my brother," Philip retorted. "So I ask again, are you alright?"  
Pez slumped into the wall and onto the conveniently placed setee. "No, I am not alright, but it's stupid. I wouldn't expect you to understand."  
"Try me."  
Pez sighed, shrugged and barreled on. "Do you know why my parents named me Perseus?"  
"Because they are big fans of the classics."  
"Right. And they taught me all about them. All the myths and stories and legends, and how the Ancient Athenians twisted the canon to suit their needs."  
"Okay?" Philip wasn't sure where this was going.  
"In particular, the Ancient Athenians, despite claiming to be egalitarian and democratic, were massive misogynistic -rseh-les! So they made the gods they looked up to, like Zeus and Poseidon, into big macho men and the gods they looked down on, like Ares and Dionysus, into effeminate cowards."  
"Makes sense, I guess."  
"And as a result, the god of the brutality of war, the very _embodiment_ of the maxim 'rape, pillage and burn' is not, himself, a rapist. He is, in fact, a _defender_ of women!"  
"While Zeus and Poseidon are both well known for their dubious tastes."  
"For their rapes," Pez huffed. "Old Vicky's dead, don't sugarcoat it for her sake."  
"Fair enough."  
"And despite that, _despite that_ , everyone looks up to those two bastards as pillars of virtue! Knowing full well that both are adulterous rapists! I mean, yes, there are pockets out there who've thought it through and joke about what terrible people the Greek gods were - cosmically powerful toddlers, the lot of them - but the vast majority of people look up to them!"  
"So it feels like your father is being insulted when someone says 'he's secretly Poseidon', and you're the only one who knows it because it's veiled behind a classical reference."  
Pez blinked. "Yes, of course, that's exactly it. How did you know?"  
Philip sighed in anguished memory and sat beside Pez. "What do you know about Sir Lancelot?"  
"The Arthurian knight?"  
"Yes."  
"Not much. Didn't your gran call your dad that a few times?"  
"Also yes. Do you know what Lancelot's claim to fame was?"  
"Not really."  
"Having an affair with Queen Guinevere."  
"Oh dear."  
"Which affair ended the Arthurian golden age."  
"Oh _dear_."  
"That's not all. If Dad's irreverent attitude toward the Crown was annoying her, she'd call him 'Dinedan'. If it was his not-quite-straightness, out came 'Galehault'. If Mum's issues and the way he handled them were the problem _du jour_ , 'Percival' was her go-to. And if it was just the general, all consuming hatred that was irking her, 'Mordred' might slip past her lips."  
"Mordred?"  
"The knight that _actually_ ended the Arthurian golden age."  
" _Oh dear_."  
"Indeed. For a time, she even had me fooled. It wasn't until I heard her call him Mordred that I figured something was wrong. And even then, I had to actually read the Vulgate Cycle before I got all the insults."  
"And you still supported her?"  
"I'm bad at people, okay. And she was very good at leading me by the nose. And need I remind you that I am, in fact, certifiable."  
Pez snorted, this time with humour. "Of course, how could I forget."  
"Besides, I got there in the end, didn't I?"  
"Yes, you did."  
"And as for the present situation," Philip stood up, "there is one important difference between what my grandmother did and what Alexander did."  
"Which is?" Pez asked, standing himself.  
"Alexander doesn't mean anything by it."  
Pez rolled his eyes. "Maybe, but I know I told him that joke wasn't funny!"  
"And you expect that to help? The boy is famously oblivious! For God's sake, _I_ knew he was bisexual before he did!"  
Pez broke down laughing at that. "You- you just said that - to make me laugh," he choked out between giggles.  
"It worked, didn't it?" Philip replied, a coy smile on his lips. He looked at his watch. "Besides, if I know my wife, and I know my wife, Alex should burst out here on his knees, begging for your forgiveness, in three..."  
"Pez, I am so, so sorry," Alex burst in on his knees, begging for Pez's forgiveness.  
"Hm, a little early," Philip commented.  
"I try," Mazzy replied.  
Alex continued, oblivious: "I'm such an idiot, it never occurred to me that Poseidon was a jerk rapist, and you would take it personally! Of course a guy with a name like Perseus would know all the dirty details of Greek mythology! I'm so stupid, and it will never happen again!"  
Pez rolled his eyes, but there was smile on his face. "Apology accepted, you're not an idiot, it better not, and get up off the floor. You're short enough as it is."  
"I am NOT SHORT!" Alex shouted, jumping up in anger. "Five-nine is average!"  
"You and I know both know you're rounding up," Pez replied. "Now you know how I felt." He turned to leave.  
Alex followed after him. "Oh, when I tell Henry about this, he's going to be so mad!"  
"Why because only he can make short jokes at your expense?"  
The two friends continued their friendly bickering down the hall, not even saying goodbye to their hosts.  
Philip didn't mind though, since it meant peace and quiet with his darling wife.  
"Mazzy dear, are you all movied-out, or would you be up for a Downton marathon?"  
"I'm always up for a Downton marathon, Pippy dear."


End file.
